Friday, September 2, 2011

Pent up...

Feelings...energy...anxiety...opinions...fears...

Today marks one week since I promised the Dr. I wouldn't run or do any strenuous activity that could irritate my knee further.  It is also exactly 11 days since I last tried to run.  It is hard, I have cried almost everyday (which only makes me feel weaker) and I can't figure out if I am upset because I am scared I won't be able to run Newport, because I brought this upon myself, or am I more emotional because I haven't actually worked out in so long (for me), or is it all of the above?

Tripp has been a trooper this past week, really trying to cheer me up, and take my mind off thinking about my throbbing knee, with sunset cruises, duck fun, and dinner dates at home....but I still can't stop talking about it, I still can't stop talking about it, I am literally obsessed with this.  I don't know if it hurts constantly because I am thinking about it constantly, or if I am thinking about it constantly, because it hurts constantly....this is just driving me more and more insane! I was ready to call up the surgeon only 3 days after seeing him, because I was convinced he was wrong...that it was worse...that the ligament was definitely torn...I didn't call though,  I just kept obsessing instead...what would he have done, except order an expensive MRI to tell me it is just muscle?

Well, after crying myself to sleep most nights this week and last, I stopped to evaluate my situation.  It is dumb to keep obsessing about this outside of my icing, and it is silly to question a respectable surgeon so soon into my resting, but I do only have 6 more weeks after this until my big day in Rhode Island, and I can't sit around and mope about it and damn my Dr. and damn myself....so with the suggestion of J. and my roommate (who bless her soul has listened to me cry and complain, when she had to go through so much worse the past year and a half, with a broken hip in her early 20s), I chose a physical therapy practice...and as of next Tuesday, I will begin rehabbing this left leg.

After two ACL repairs and a few scares post surgery, I never wanted to step back into a PT office, heck I practically lived in one for a couple of years! I bit the bullet though, and I am taking the dedication I had put into my sub-4 marathon and putting it into getting my leg back to normal, so I can at least try for a marathon at all.  My goals have not changed, but my mindset has...

I will do what I need to do, to get back into tip top shape, and to avoid further injuries such as this.

I will listen to the PT and follow through on all exercises and instructions she has to offer me

I will run within the next 6 weeks (and hopefully before)

But until then? I will continue to rest, I will continue to ice, I will continue to compress, and I will continue to elevate....I am determined to get through this, and I am dedicated to what it takes...

I am sick of being pent up, depressed, tired, defeated....I am ready to get better, be happy, dominate....


I sent this quote to Janae a few weeks ago (after reading it in one of RunnersWorld's quote of the day emails), as she is battling back from two fractured femurs and some tough times with shin splints, but it's so true...and now, she is training for her first Century Bike ride?! How cool is that?!

"Whatever you may be missing right now - a person, a place, a feeling, maybe you are injured and missing running - whatever it is, have peace and take heart - remember that any goodbye makes room for a hello. "
Kristin Armstrong, Author and runner

Thanks for sticking with this post, but I had to get this off my chest, and I need to start thinking positively...I appreciate all of the support I get from you guys...
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Are you struggling with an injury right now, that you are having trouble coping with?


What are some of your coping mechanisms to get through tough times, be it injury or loss?



12 comments:

  1. i really understand where you're coming from. being injured is so difficult emotionally and physically. you have to do what's best for you in the long run. maybe you'll be okay and be able to run newport, but if you're not then you know what? it's totally ok! there's always another marathon. you need to make sure you do whatever you can to make sure that your body is healthy and okay!

    i'm glad that you've chosen a PT - who did you end up going with? and if you ever need to talk, i am here - i felt so many of the same things when i was struggling with my injury.

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  2. UGH! I am so sorry that you can't run! I am so bad at listening to doctors and their advice. I hurt my back very very badly just as I was getting back into a groove after I had my daughter. I had no other choice since I couldn't even walk. My coping....pouting. Not helpful!!! However I did not take enough time off and that is always a weak spot for me whenever I ramp up my training.

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  3. Love that quote and I havea feeling that just writing out your thoughts made you feel a litle bit better? It always feels so good to get it out!

    You will run the race, you will recover, and you will be stronger for having gone through this. Thinking of you girl!

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  4. Oh gosh. Being injured sucks big time. I really hope you can get back to it faster than anticipated! I don't have an injury but I think I'm starting to feel shin splints coming on. I don't even know what to do about them...gonna have to do some research!

    I think reading other people's blogs - like Janae's for example - is a great way of coping. Seeing how other people stay positive throughout the whole healing process is so inspiring!

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  5. I am totally new to your blog and you definitely don't know me, but oh my gosh I wish I could come there and hug you!
    I'm not injured right now, but I have been... So many times. It is such a freakin bummer. I've cried, raged, cried, prayed, made everyone else's life around me a living heck bc I was so depressed, etc... And so I totally understand the constant waves of emotion you're going through...
    My best advice is to continue to take it one day at a time, bc who knows what tomorrow will bring. Wake up and ask, "can I be happy for just today? Can I make it through today?" And find other things to love and put all your awesome and valuable energy into. You'll getvback to logging miles and winning races and you'll be that much smarter, stronger, and more driven because of this. :)
    I'm rooting for your speedy recovery!!

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  6. I can feel the frustration you are going thorugh, in reading your post.

    Perhaps if you try to focus on something else... find other things to be happy about... find someone else who needs your help.

    It is a vicious cycle and I hope you are able to get out of it. Sorry this has happened to you.

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  7. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but the attitude you've chosen to take is really inspiring. You can't control what happens but you can control your reaction to it. Someone famous probably said this, but my mom said it to us about a million times growing up. And she's right (like always).

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  8. FRIEND. I know exactly how you feel. It made me feel incredibly sick every single morning back in march when i woke up with my injury and could not run. i hated it. i felt like everything was so unfair. i just wanted to run. it was difficult to accept that resting then would be better for me later. that is STILL hard to accept when i am feeling tired or sore. but know that i am pulling for you. you are incredibly strong and will come out of this stronger. 6 weeks is plenty of time to heal and still be ready to run. stay positive friend. sending you healing thoughts!

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  9. oh man i so know how you feel. A couple years ago I was unable to run for 3 months...at first I was a blubbering mess too, but then acceptance sets in and you start finding other ways to live. Suddenly I was lifting weights, taking long walks, swimming...they couldn't replace running, but it made me stronger and gave me time to think about things in a new way.

    I know it is really hard right now and it is COMPLETELY ok to mourn not having something that you love. But give yourself a time limit and then decide you are going to keep moving forward in whatever way you can :)

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  10. So sorry you're going through all this, but your attitude is great - you'll be back out there in no time! xoxo

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  11. I don't know any of your past history with PTs but finding the right one who shares your goals and is in line with your mindset makes all the difference. I hope you have that, or if you don't can find it!

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  12. I've never heard that quote until now but it is so true! It wasn't until I scaled back on running that I discovered hot yoga (love of my life!) and biking... and you know what? Running a little bit less means I have more to give to each run. You'll battle back from this and be so much stronger for it! Sending you all my happy, healthy thoughts...

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